A Shattered Mirror
by Joanni
Summary: Tomoyo is in a mental hospital. Why? Where's Eriol and what did he do to contribute to this? She's really suffering and he is a main keypoint. E x T please R & R story written in flashbacks.Updated. Sorry for the wait
1. intro

****

A Shattered Mirror

The night air was delicious. It was brisk and clean and fresh. Tomoyo was happy to be in her little grove. A breeze sifted through her hair. She felt reborn. Little creatures came and went as she sat back and relaxed. Faeries came and went, their wings shimmering in the twilight. A white rabbit stuck by her though. It never left her side. She loved him, it was the only thing she had left to care for. Somewhere in the distance, Tomoyo can hear someone calling her. Calling her back to reality; to what she tried so hard to leave.

Tomoyo opened her eyes to the nurse standing over her. She was prim and proper, there wasn't a single strand of hair out of place. The nurse was always shocked at Tomoyo's fierce emerald colored eyes. They are the kinds that seem to pierce right through your very soul and see your faults. The nurse didn't let this on though. She had to be in control of the situation; Tomoyo can never know that she scares the nurse. The sudden burst of light, however, hurt Tomoyo's eyes. She had to squint to see what was going on. Tomoyo was apparently tossing and turning against her bindings. Her wrists and her ankles were raw. 

When did they put those on me? She wondered. Have I been that bad?

"Let me out," she croaked, her throat hasn't been used much in the past couple of who knows how long. "I didn't do anything wrong." Or at least she didn't remember it at the moment. "I want my Gram."

The nurse just looked at her. "You have your Bunny. Gram is gone." and with that, something poked against her skin. A needle. Fluid was being injected into her. She was so used to shots by now, it didn't even hurt her. Tomoyo was calming down. She couldn't get back to sleep, she was forced awake now fatigue was far from her mind. 

The padded white room around her was suffocating. There were no windows and lights coming out of the walls in every corner. She wanted out of this room and back into her grove so badly, but there was nothing she can do about it. The drugs they gave her were kicking in. It made her drowsy as well as delirious. She wanted it to stop. This wasn't the kind of drugs that she liked. These always brought back painful memories that she didn't want to relive. 

***

"Eriol!" Tomoyo called. "Eriol come back to me! I promise I'll stop." He turned around and skated back, his green eyes matching her intensity. They stared at each other and he stopped.

"Tomoyo, you can't keep doing this to me. You can't keep playing me and think we'll be fine afterwards." 

Tears were forming in Tomoyo's eyes. Her vision was cloudy and it was getting hard to see Eriol' figure. Every time she saw him she would always melt. Her heart would beat faster and her breath would quicken. She didn't know why she keeps hurting him though. All she wanted was everything to be ok between them. "Please don't leave me." was all she could say.

***

Tomoyo opened her eyes quickly. She wanted desperately to forget everything about her past. She wanted it to have never happened. It was all a regret. She wanted it to stop, but she knew that she couldn't get better if she didn't understand it and do something about it. Once she gets better, they would let her out of the white room. It was torturous; nothing to do in there all day. All that was left was to sit and think. Which was one thing that she didn't want. Sometimes Tomoyo can get away, away to her world if she meditated hard enough. 

Bunny was laying next to her. The rag bunny was all she had left. Tomoyo remembered when he was first made. In about the third grade, Tomoyo was learning to sew. Her cousin did it so she wanted to do it too. So from all sorts of fabrics. She mostly cut from her baby blanket though. A little bit of blanket's cotton was stuffed inside, but not enough to make him plump. The stitching was very good, Bunny never fell apart. Tomoyo was satisfied anyways. Bunny was her love, something that she can never lose. 

Tomoyo needed someone to talk to, badly. She couldn't stand being alone anymore. Bunny was her nice companion, but they share telepathy so she didn't need to talk there. They said they would schedule her a date with the psychiatrist when she was good and presentable. To her which meant never. Nothing she ever did was good enough for anyone. She tried to satisfied her parents with good grades, but they believed that B's weren't good enough. She remembered back when she was in elementary and middle school. Straight A's were all that she got. And then she stopped caring. It wasn't helping her any. She knew she was smart and that's it. When she decided to stop her usual dress of all black, she was criticized for being a poser and went back, much to her parent's disappointment.

"Bunny, I wish I had something to smoke right now, I would like to go back to my wonderland," she thought out loud. So she cleared her mind and took deep breaths. Something that always worked if she did it long enough.

A wind picked up and lifted Tomoyo's hair from her face. She took another deep breath and opened her eyes to find the open meadow in front of her. Tomoyo never fancied the idea of falling down a rabbit whole to find a topsy turvy land, but she loved that fairy tale. She always thought it was ironic that she was named after her favorite fairy tale. She loved her meadow and the mystical creatures that live in it. Tomoyo looked down in her hand to see that Bunny was still there. 

She walked down the path into a flower garden. She picked one and pulled it's petals "I love him, I love him not. I love him, I love him not, I love him, I love him… not." This answered kind of disappointed her, but how can she trust a flower to tell her the truth? Her mind was reeling with thoughts that she wanted to vent. There were so many questions that she wanted and even needed answers to. But most of all, she was all out of friends and she missed them more than anything in the world. 

__

Jo note: erm…. I dunno it's a bit weird right now. I hope you like it, even though it's a bit negative… The Part between the stars means that it's a flashback/memory **Disclaimer::** I own nothing!


	2. where

Tomoyo plucked another pretty flower from the ground, a pink carnation to be exact, and got up to walk again. This time to somewhere no one can follow except for Bunny. She walked against the trail uphill to a place where she has created for herself in her mind. Her sanctuary against the world. There was a circular meadow surrounded by thick trees and shrubbery. No matter if they tried, no one can find this place. This is where that Tomoyo knows she can be loved. Her grandmother's grave. 

"Grammy, I need to talk to you." She plopped down next to her grandmother's grave. Grammy was the only one who loved her. Her parents didn't even know she existed. Tomoyo would always go over to her Grammy's house every day after school until she turned 13 and Grammy died. Tomoyo was so angry at first. It felt like she was thrust out into the world all by herself. She had never had the feeling that she was alone until her gram left her. It was unnerving. 

Tomoyo was more scared than anything. It was like the light went out and she couldn't find her way around in the dark. This made Tomoyo tough, she wanted to seem ok so she hid all her feelings. She missed her grandmother more than words can express.

She was so scared for Gram, being buried into the cold ground. At first Tomoyo was paranoid that the worms were going to devour her dearest Gram. The pills she was taking for highs put crazy thoughts in her head. She was so scared that when she died she would be eaten by worms, but she knows now that they bought her the best coffin and in her imaginary world, Gram is perfectly at rest with nothing to bother her. She is truly in heaven, or as Tomoyo thought, and perfectly happy.

"Grammy, I need to get better. I've been so bad. I must disappoint you so much, I'm so sorry." Tomoyo has never had to lie to her grandmother before, she didn't want to start now. She tried to tell her gram everything, as much as she can. "No one will take me to get help. As soon as I did something bad, they put me in isolation where I can't correct my errors." Tears started to form in her eyes. "I wish you never left me." The lone tears slipped and dropped to the earth followed by all the others that Tomoyo has been holding in for years. 

Three years has passed since Gram has died and Tomoyo has still not recovered from it. The hole was gaping and as big as ever. Tomoyo laid her head down to the grass and started whispering her story. 

She vaguely heard someone call her back into reality but ignored the call. She didn't know how much time has passed since she first came in her world, but she didn't care. It was always timeless in wonderland. She loved it. Tomoyo felt something pierce her skin again and then she was left in peace again. She fell deeper into the dark and into her world.

"Grandma, it all started out so right. I thought I was happy and I was." Tomoyo elapsed back into her memories; forcing her to remember and relive. She wanted her Gram to know. 

***

"Hey Tomo," A boy with spiky black hair greeted her.

"Why do you always call me Tomo? I'm Tomoyo, did you forget?" she giggled in delight despite herself. Her tough front never stayed for long in front of Eriol. He always had a way to make her melt. "Why do you have to be so mean to me?" she wiped all the water from her face.

She was soaked from the water balloon they were throwing around.

"Because that's who I am," and he left it at that. 

"You enjoy torturing me, don't you?"

"Of course I do. You wanna go see a movie?"

Tomoyo's eyes glowed with delight, but there was a tint of mischief in her. "You know I do." 

They started off walking together to Eriol's house. No one would be home or if they were, no one would know that they were over. He lived in a mansion and it was always a place to go for some privacy.

Tomoyo was on Eriol's skateboard. She was holding onto Eriol and he was pulling her along. She loved the feel of his skin against hers. He had such a firm grip on her hand; she loved it.

"You're so lazy," he teased. "You can't even go by yourself on a board."

"Yes, I can! And yeah, I am lazy." She smiled sweetly at him and he smiled back. His eyes were dazzling; they totally matched hers.

"Well keep pulling me anyways!" 

They had been friends since the seventh grade and now, three years later, they were still friends. 

Maybe a bit more even. Friends with benefits even. She liked the way this relationship was going.

"Don't ever leave me, Eriol," Tomoyo suddenly said with a hint of hurt if it would actually happen. She clutched onto his arm even stronger.

Eriol heard this often. Tomoyo was always clingy. She gets attached two easily. "Like I've been saying for the past three years, I won't leave you. I promise."

"Pinky promise it," and she held out her pinky to him, a nail prettily manicured gold pink.

Eriol rolled his eyes but went along with it.

*** 

Tomoyo came back to Gram. Tears had been falling down her face silently, watering the grass underneath her. She smiled at the thought of newly discovered happiness and joy, but then, as soon as she realized the joy brought pain.

***

That night Tomoyo couldn't sleep. All she could think about was Eriol and how much she liked him. She didn't understand this feeling. She wanted to know why she was feeling like she did. They had talked about this. Nothing was unknown to each of them. She was sure that she liked him, in ways more than a friend. So she did the most sensible thing she could think of. Try to fall out of the crush. It worked for a little bit until she got the email:

__

Tomoyo-

We've been friends for a long time and we are really close. Like how you are the glove and I'm the hand. Wait. That didn't make sense. But we are friends, that's all that matters um... right? You mean so much to me, and I want you to know that. 

I don't know how to say this. I have to be honest. I like you, Tomo. I just need to know if you like me because I'm tired of wondering and I can't keep it in any longer. It hurts to be with out you and to see you flirting with some other guy. I just would like for you to know. 

When I say I like you, I mean as more than a friend. Damn, I really feel stupid. 

Tell me what you think, I'm sorry to bother you.

Eriol

***

It was such a shock to Tomoyo. She couldn't breathe once she opened the letter. Her heart beat like she has just ran a marathon. She was still shocked by this, a whole year later, she was jerked back into reality. Her throat hurt and was dry like chalk. Some one was trying to feed her water. It wasn't working, all of it was flowing down her chin. The nurse was getting frustrated at the lack of progress. 

"Alright," the nurse said in disgust, "I'm going to loosen your arm bindings so you can feed yourself. Don't try to hurt yourself, you are under constant surveillance. If you aren't good, you won't be able to leave." With that warning, which struck terror into Tomoyo's heart for she wanted out, she behaved herself. 

Tomoyo remembered something when she first came. It wasn't all just a blur. Tomoyo was scared out of her wits. She was going to be away from her family, the one that neglects her and she's going to be away from her friends. The hallway to the administrator's office was long and dingy. The wall paper was peeling and it was yellowed with time. She was disgusted.

Her appetite was lost. She hasn't eaten properly since she got there. It was well enough because she's been gaining weight and this was a great way to lose it again, but now she barely ate. The gruel was just depressing. It wasn't even warm. Tomoyo drank from her cup like a fish back in water. It felt so good; it was soothing to her warmed body. Today she got soup.

Tomoyo took a couple of deep breathes and forced herself to take a few bites of soup. She couldn't eat any more. Tomoyo went back to sleep, but this time it was dreamless.

For the next week, she didn't dream, as much as she wanted to go back. It was unattainable. Tomoyo was forced to be in darkness which was ironic considering the blinding white room she was in. The nurse let go of the bindings on Tomoyo. She was free of the bed, now she could pace and exercise to her heart's content. She soon got bored of the small confinement. She longed for a visitor. 

Tomoyo even contemplated suicide. It would be a whole lot better than the white hell hole she was in, but what could she kill herself with? Nothing. She also wanted revenge. She was so hurt. She wanted the world to feel it too.

I feel like crying, She thought. Everything is making me feel worse than I am. Her eyes start to sting as she felt the tears, but she didn't want to let them fall. I don't know what is wrong with me. I hate myself. I hate everything about me. I deserve to be dead. Shot. Ran over. Or like tortured at least, for what I've done. I know I've been bad. I wish I had something sharp; to cut myself with; to release some of the anger and to cause some hurt, but there was nothing in the room remotely worthy of cutting herself with. 

It was the small things, she realized, that has pushed her over the edge. It's like a permanent hole in her soul. Something that she couldn't fill because of what everyone has said, of what they have done to her. Leaving her alone has caused her to think too much about her past.

Why couldn't anyone accept the fact that I was heavier than average? She thought. Why couldn't they accept that I was fat. What was it to them what I was. Why couldn't they accept how I dressed. Why can't they just let me be me? 

Day in and day out someone would comment on her weight. My uncle used to call me Fatty. My dad kept encouraging me to eat, but my mom would always tell me to just hold the hungry in; to not voice it and not eat. I tried swimming and I lost 8 lbs, but as soon as I stopped for maybe even Christmas break, my dad pushed food on me and I gained more weight. Everyone saw me during Thanksgiving and said I looked amazingly thin, and they said that I was so chubby before. It made me feel good, but it hurt my feelings as well. Why can't they all just leave me alone? She thought, as she lay in bed, not able to fall asleep.

The ward finally let her have a visitor. Who would want to see her? She thought. Her parents don't even visit. How nice is that? Now that she thought about it, she hasn't even seen or heard from her parents since she woke up. Her question, however, was soon answered when the person walked through her blank door. 

****

Joanne: Sorry it's like this… Heh, I know I borrowed some scenes from my other story but that's as far as it got, otherwise it's totally different-ish… I hope you like it. _;; Or such.. Leave a review, good or bad!


	3. when

A shrink. She though, how typical. He said his name was Keichi Hunt, which she should call him.

Keichi was young, like he just got out of college. True enough. Tomoyo was his first patient.

"Tomoyo, I'm going to be your friend. We are going to get to know each other. I'll tell you a little bit about myself and you can do the same if you wish." He looked at her as if she was going to reply or agree, but she did nothing. "Well, I like to listen to the old school rock, I enjoy watching movies, reading and snowboarding. If you like any of those, I can take you sometime." He said it like it was a privilege to be given out; it annoyed her. "I'm 26 years old and currently happy with my girlfriend. Anything else you would like to know?" Tomoyo did nothing for a little bit, but then shook her head no.

Tomoyo said she wanted a visitor, but maybe she didn't want Keichi. He seemed nervous and uncomfortable with her. Maybe she can break him before he does anything.

Keichi came every day at precisely 2 o' clock. He always came with things to talk about. It was never quite in her room during that hour or so. Tomoyo eventually loved him coming over. The quiet was causing her to lose her mind. Bunny was going insane too. Now she looked forward to it. Her spirits were up, but it was still dark and dank inside her soul where no one could reach her.

"Do you want to tell me why you are here?" Keichi asked one day. She didn't, but what did she have to lose. Tomoyo hasn't gone back to Gram since the day the nurse let her free from her bindings. Tomoyo missed her dearly, but she didn't want to dwell on things that caused her pain.

"Well… Let me start at the beginning."

Keichi was shocked to hear a sentence come out from her mouth; it was usually one word responses.

"It all started when I met Eriol. He was my best friend, my world…"

"Tomoyo! C'mon, let's go." He held out his hand for her. It was dark and she was stumbling around. "You are such a klutz, come on!" The wind was lightly flowing through her hair. She loved the feeling.

She took his hand. "Slow down, we have forever to get where you are taking me! No need to rush," he slowed to a walk. "So where are we going?"

"It's a surprise." He grinned at her despite her confused look. "We're almost there anyway."

Tomoyo was excited as well as nervous. When they reached the spot, she gasped. It was beautiful. They were on a hill looking out at the beach. The night air smelled of salt and all was quiet except for the crashing waves. The moon was barely peeking through the clouds. Eriol sat Tomoyo down on the grass and held her. She suddenly realized what this was. Their one year anniversary. She couldn't believe that she forgot. Eriol nuzzled into Tomoyo. She loved feeling warm and comforted by him.

"I love you," he whispered lightly into her ear. It was so faint, the wind almost took it away. Tomoyo's heart beat faster---

"Tomoyo, are you ok?" Keichi asked her. "What's wrong?" Tears were streaming down her face. Tomoyo could taste the salt. She wiped them away quickly.

"Nothing."

"Are you sure?" There was no reply. Eriol was sitting on a chair and Tomoyo on her bed. She just turned around and laid down.

"I'm sorry Mr. Keichi, but I'm not feeling very well. I'll talk to you tomorrow." Keichi hesitated to leave, he was, after all, her psychiatrist and he wanted to help her feel better, but there was no use when she was unwilling to talk to him. He nodded to himself and walked out the door. Tomoyo heard a click that signaled they locked the door. She will never escape from the white room. The white hell. Tomoyo took a deep breath and sobbed. It hurt so much to think of him; she didn't want to.

Bunny was clutched to her chest when Tomoyo awoke. It was cold last night and she threw the blanket off her in fury. She was freezing now and scrambled on the ground for it. Keichi came over that day to find Tomoyo laying in bed huddle up in the comforter. It was a wonder her head was sticking out of the covers.

"Hi Keichi," she greeted. "Ready to hear the rest of my story?"

Keichi wasn't sure where she was going with this, but he nodded his consent.

"Eriol, I love you too." She kissed him passionately to show it. "Don't ever leave me ok? You promised."

Eriol hesitated and Tomoyo felt it. "I won't leave you." He said finally, "but Tomoyo, I'm going away this summer". She was shocked to hear it. "I'll come back, I promise." She was unsure of this, but Tomoyo trusted him so she relaxed into his arms and looked up at the sky, happy with her life. Eriol started kissing her cheek and then her neck. Tomoyo moved into it.

"And then you know what, Keichi?" Tomoyo asked as she told him the last part. He shook his head, afraid to hear what the answer was for he was sure it was a bad one; It showed in Tomoyo's eyes. She hated the outcome. "He did come back." Keichi let out a bit of the breath he held in. "But he brought some girl back with him."

This must be why, Keichi though, That Tomoyo is so miserable; She got her heart broken, but it doesn't explain what she did to arrive here. "What happened after that?" He asked.

"I tried to avoid him as much as I can. We go to the same school, but he is in a higher grade than me so it was easy to do. I didn't have any classes with him."

Eriol seemed confused by this, being a psychiatrist, he's not very smart when it comes to girls and what they do. Tomoyo elaborated.

"I would see him in the halls and then I would just stop in my tracks and turn around and go the other way. Or I would look down at the floor and avoid eye contact with him. If I don't see him, it is a good enough excuse not to talk to him."

"Oh."

"Yes, I longed to see him, but then again it hurt me to think of him with another girl." Tomoyo was looking down at her hands. They were white because she had been twisting them together. "I was consumed by sadness and hatred." Her voice quivered a bit. "I was depressed for like two months. It never occurred to me that I just wanted some affection. He was my first love." She paused for a second, took in a deep breath and let it out. "He broke my heart." Keichi seemed uncomfortable with someone spilling her heart out to him. He wasn't used to it, but it was the cause of her pain and her being here so he bore it.

She stopped for a long time. "Then what?" He encouraged her.

**Joanne:** sorry if it got confusing. I don't know how to make it less so... ask questions if you have them?


	4. news

"I would sleep to forget this world. I needed out from the harsh reality I was in. It hurt me too much. Every breath I took hurt my chest. Even if I wasn't tired, I would take a nap. I would rarely dream and when I did, it was peaceful." She stopped and thought. Keichi didn't rush her. "You know what Eriol said when I confronted him about it? He was like 'Oh, Tomo, you know people can't help who they fall for.' That was it. He said he would never leave me. And he did." she was all fired up now.

Keichi examined her. She was telling the truth. The hurt look in her eyes and her irregular breathing told it all.

"I would walk around with my best friend and wonder what's wrong with me. I even asked her. I remember kicking a pine cone and it came to me. Eriol was my problem. I stopped feeling sad and started getting angry. Then for the next two months, I was angry at the world and wanted everything to suffer along with me. Back then I was a good girl though. I didn't do anything that I wasn't supposed to so I just kept it all to myself. The only way that I expressed it was to wear all black clothing."

Tomoyo sat in her bedroom painting her nails black. She was going to make a new look for herself. The next day she woke up and put her clothes on. An ensemble of black was what she chose. To top it off, she put makeup on darkly with black eye shadow and soft pink lips. Tomoyo's parents didn't care what she did, none the less bother to notice what she was wearing.

Tomoyo didn't want to talk to anyone when she got to school. She kept her head bowed down and walked straight up the stairs to her locker. A few kids she knew were about five lockers away.

"Wow, dude," the first one said, "Look at Tomoyo." His whisper wasn't very quiet. Tomoyo recognized him to be Brandon.

"Yeah, what about her?" the second one asked.

"She's all in black. She's totally different. Look, look!"

Tomoyo heard all of this. She closed the locker, packed up and walked right past them. As she did, she smiled and looked both of them in the eye. Good, she thought. They noticed her. And it was the impression that she wanted to. Everyone was shocked. She knew that it would, but she thought that at least her friends would support her on this who ordeal. Maybe they just didn't want to understand.

"What's wrong, Tomoyo?" Meiling asked.

"Nothing." was the reply.

"Something's up. You are never happy anymore and you are wearing too much black."

"Does it look ok?" she asked absentmindedly. It was their routine; Tomoyo would come to school and Meiling would always say she looks good.

"Of course it does. You look good it black. It makes you look sexy. And evil."

Tomoyo liked that answer a lot. "Thanks Meiling." It was just what she was going for. She wanted to make all the guys jealous. She thought that she could play with every one of their feelings. And she just might.

"Tomoyo?" Keichi's call brought her back into reality.

Why does everyone call my name? She wondered. I'm getting sick of it. "Yes, I'm here." No one said anything for a moment. Keichi wasn't very good at being the shrink. He was afraid of her. "Mr. Keichi, I think I would like to be alone now. Thanks."

It was never a good sign when Tomoyo called him Mr. Keichi. That always meant that she wanted to be left alone. He felt even more uncomfortable then.

"Alright, I'll see you tomorrow. Do you want me to bring you anything?"

She was shocked when she heard this. It was the first time anyone has offered to bring her anything for the outside world. She quickly turned around to face him and look him in the eye. This may mean candy, books, a radio, drugs- no, no drugs, that's what brought her here in the first place.

"Why are you asking?" she heard herself say. Even though she was in a mental ward doesn't mean she has to be stupid.

"Well, I won't be here tomorrow," Much to her disappointment, really. "But I wanted to bring you something to assure you that I will be thinking of you."

Wow, thought Tomoyo, A moment of his general well being. Hmm… "Well," She finally decided, "Markers and pens and some paper would be nice."

Keichi thought this over. "Yes, I'm sure that would be reasonable enough. Ok You will get them around the same time that I usually come to visit you. Good bye, Tomoyo."

Tomoyo smiled at him genuinely. She was finally going to have something to occupy her time. She was giddy now. After Mr. Keichi left and she heard the lock click behind him, Tomoyo got up and waltzed a little tune with Bunny. Then she set bunny down. "Watch ok?"

Tomoyo tip toed and did a routine from when she was in ballet; from before she was corrupted. Tomoyo was so graceful and slow and everything that a prima donna wanted to be. When she finished, Tomoyo felt so relieved. Something was lifted from her and she didn't understand what, but Tomoyo will get to express herself again in words and pictures as she used to.

That night Tomoyo dreamt. She was back in wonderland. Tomoyo went to her grove, to Gram's tombstone and told her the good news. Tomoyo knew that Gram understood and was content. She leaned her back against the tree and enjoyed the fresh breeze that swept through the area. The faeries were putting little braids in her hair. She reminded herself of being a hippie. That's what she wanted. A world full of color and not black and white; as to what she was used to.

That morning, when she woke, it was past breakfast, but the nurse left a few fruit and water for her. Tomoyo ate them peacefully with Bunny, waiting for the time to strike 2. When it did, the window in Tomoyo's door opened and in popped some crayons, colored pencils, markers, and a bundle of paper. She squealed to herself in delight and grabbed them. She didn't even know where to start writing.


	5. stories

**Note**: I didn't use asterics anymore, so it might be kind of confusing, if so, just ask questions. And it's from someone's train of thought, so its kind of supposed to be that way. sorry for the wait.

Chapter 5

At first that day Tomoyo started out drawing wonderland; her favorite spots, all her friends there and her, as a happy little girl. That was the way that it went, from pretty inspiring pictures of a little girl to mutated and ugly drawings of creatures from the unknown. As the day went on, Tomoyo found herself drawing darker and darker pictures. There were vampires and demons of all kinds.

She found herself drawing herself next to a mirror and in the mirror is her other side, but shattered. Broken. But she noticed that she was still beautiful. She was a little more pale than usual, but her lips were plump and red. Her eyes and hair were as dark as night. She was just a little disappointed because on her arms were cuts that would have bled if it was not just a mirage. Under it was a caption and it read:

_Mirrors reflect the truth that many try to hide_

_As well as shatter the image many make_

_The falsehood showed what has died_

_Come in life and what you will take_

_The world is reversed and you can never go back._

It was a wonder, thought Tomoyo, that everything in a mirror is exactly backwards. They dared not bring her a mirror. A mental patient with a shape edge means suicide possibility, but would I do that? She thought. Surely she didn't want to die. But she didn't even know what she wanted right now.

Drawing pictures weren't her cup of tea anymore, but she didn't want to give up the pen in her hand. Tomoyo thought of going back to her old passion, writing. Maybe it would help her feel better.

_It's like being a puppet on strings,_

_It's never I who likes what life brings._

_To other people, it seems like I'm their pawn_

_They never let me rest until the crack of dawn._

_It seems like they don't ever trust me._

_Now it's my soul that they cannot see._

_No one knows what I am feeling_

_My mind is cracked and won't be healing._

_My life isn't mine any more_

_It's just a routine, such a chore._

_It is with the pain that I can't cope._

_Darkness shrouds my mind like an envelope._

_Everyone's got some major secrets_

_Though some don't know how to keep it. _

_I keep too much of me inside,_

_It's easy for me to go and hide._

_My desire is for freedom, _

_I doubt they'll give me some._

_My life is unbearable to live _

_It's now myself I choose not to give._

_I want to get away_

_I want to run my own day_

_I want out…_

_Am I ever to learn how it is to come about?_

Tomoyo reread her poem. It cut close to home, but yet, she didn't think she liked it. It doesn't seem good enough to be part of this room. But she put it aside anyway. Something to go as part of her Mental Ward Collection of Artwork, she told herself.

Her story went on

I remember going to a party shortly after Eriol came back home with that Kayla bitch. Mike invited me, even though I didn't want to come. I was fine about becoming a loner and having nothing to do with the world, but he convinced me into it. He convinced me to wear the short pink summer dress that he loves on me too. I don't know how I ever let it come about. He's so persuasive.

So I get to the party and I see all these kids sitting and relaxing. Some trance or pop music was playing, I wasn't sure. Maybe it was both. I walked through the house to find some action, seeing as sitting and giggling wasn't my thing. In the back, kids were all over the pool, messing around and splashing each other. I went back in the living room to find Mike again. He was in an armchair and looked totally relaxed. I wanted to know what the deal was, but he wouldn't tell me.

Suddenly the hostess, I'm sure, came out with a tray of Cokes. She handed me one and I drank a huge gulp of it. My muscles started to tense and my head started to spin. I didn't know what was going on at all.

"Relax," Mike told me, "Let it wash over you. I'll baby sit you and make sure you don't do anything bad. I promise." And I believed him and did do that. And I felt the most wonderful thing. I was on top of the world.

At this point, Tomoyo ran out of paper, but she didn't want to stop her story. It was finally flowing though her and she didn't want it to stop. She needed it out of her system. So she started writing on the walls. The marker flowed evenly on the padded white and she kept on going:

It felt like I was part of the music. My senses were sharpened. I heard everything and felt everything. I was a part of everything. It was so beautiful and complete, I didn't want it to stop. I tried to explain it to the others, but the words just wouldn't come out. When I was regaining control of my mind, I asked Mike what happened.

"You've just taken LSD," he told me. "There was a pill in five of the ten Cokes that Misty brought out."

I've been taught that drugs where bad ever since I was born, but if they make you feel this good, I have been missing out on all of my life. And when I was on the drug, I forgot all about that bastard Eriol. I wanted to try more. I wanted to see if pot was all that good as well as all the other drugs, but I was a little afraid. If someone offered me the drug I probably would have refused, but I'm glad I took it accidentally.

I went out with Mike a few more times over the next couple of months, I think, he hooked me up with all sorts of things. Pot was good if you wanted to be calm and giggly at the same time. I thought it smelled awesome. When I tired acid, I totally tripped. It was amazing. I was in everything and it was all a part of me. I never wanted to come down from it. I wanted more and more, but I knew that my parents would find out. And worst of all Gram. I couldn't have let her think I was an evil child, even though she is deceased. I was positive Gram could see me from heaven, so I had to do everything in secret.

As Tomoyo was writing, she drew pictures to go along with it. Some of them were nice, some corresponded to the story, while others were cartoons; a fantasy that had come to life.

Her inner clock was running. Tomoyo has not lost that instinct yet. No matter where she was, she knew what time it was, even if there were no windows to tell. Tomoyo did not know how long she had been in the hell hole, but she knew it was nearly 3 AM. When she was back out in the real world, she was never asleep at 3. I guess it goes back to then, she thought. And again the marker flowed on the canvas; keeping her occupied through out the rest of the night.

Eriol confronted me the next day.

"What the hell are you doing?" he asked.

"Nothing. It's none of your business."

"I've heard of what you were doing," he confronted. "Everyone said you were into drugs and that you have been selling some to the high school kids even. What's wrong with you Tomoyo?" I didn't say anything. "You told me you would have never gotten into that kinda thing. You told me you were scared of it."

I turned her face away; I didn't want to look him in the eyes. It was so embarrassing. He cupped my chin, however, and turned my face to his. My eyes were watering; he was the only person who was able to make me cry, even though I didn't want to. Eriol was a couple of inches taller than me. I looked up at him, and into his eyes. I noticed he was staring at me intensely. He scared me sometimes with the look in his eyes. This time it's worry and concern and something she couldn't recognize.

"Please, Eriol, let me go. You can't stop me."

"Look at yourself Tomoyo! Fuck, I mean, you've been breaking your body for God knows how long! It's because of what happened between us isn't it."

I didn't answer for a little bit. "So what did happen between us?" I asked quietly. I honestly did not even know then. I came up with my own theory to calm my nerves, to get me back from the way I was before (with out drugs) but I don't know the truth. I need it. I craved it.

"Don't do this Tomoyo, you know well what happened. You avoided me.You were being all paranoid."

Tomoyo stopped writing. She was so stupid. She cursed silently. _He_ was right. She did know what happened, she just suppressed it. She sighed. What am I supposed to do, she thought. Confront myself. Confront the truth. Tomoyo didn't feel like writing about her drug abuse anymore. She will just tell Keichi about it instead. She picked up another marker and started writing on an open wall. This was the beginning of _their_ story; their love.

I remember vaguely telling Keichi about us. But part of it was an illusion. I can't lie about it now. Here goes…


	6. starting again

I didn't think I loved him at the time. Really, I am not good at this whole relationship thing. But I started feeling more than I ever had in any other relationship. I was jealous of the girls he thought was good looking. I was upset when I couldn't be with him. I wanted him all the time.

"I'm sorry, but I thought, you of all people, would understand," she paused for a second, "I asked you once. I asked you if you would always love me. You said yes. I asked you if you would love me when you were away. You said yes. I asked if you would love me when you come back, and you said yes, you would love me while you were gone."

He was amazed at the intensity in Tomoyo's voice. She was yelling at him. He took a breath and responded to her."Understand what? Tomoyo? Drugs are disgusting. You only think that I would understand because I did it, but it fucked up my life. You know that."

Tomoyo stopped writing. Her hands were shaking profusely. She dropped the marker and sat down. This is too much, She though. I wasn't meant to relive my miserable life again. It hurts too much. As much as she thought this, she felt a whole lot more relieved at her current situation. Even though it's painful to go back down memory lane, she enjoyed the relief. Tomoyo wasn't tired. Fatigue was forced away when she cherished the pain and fire still burning inside her. She continued.

My relationship with Eriol ended on that day. When I broke down and cried, he said I could fix everything. I could clean myself up. And that he loved me. So I tried. I honestly did. It hurt like hell though. I had to stop communications with all my druggie friends, I had to stay away from all of those kind of things.

Whoever said drugs were addicting wasn't lying. Once you have lived life with drugs and pills and all that, there isn't life with out it.

The smell of pot pushed me over the edge. Every time I smelled the sweet aroma, I would always want to smoke. Badly. It hurt me not to do smack either. When ever I got that urge, I always broke down. It hurt like I just swallowed glass. I couldn't convince myself that life would be good again with out drugs. I always felt good on it. It dulled the pain, it enhanced the pleasure. So I went out and did a little smack. Oh my God, did I feel so much better. It didn't hurt at all any more. So I thought I could just wean myself from these things.

Eventually I convinced him that I was better. I convinced him to go to the junior prom with him. I had been clean for a few months, and he thought that it would be a sufficient reward.

I had the time of my life. Dinner was great, the dance was great, and everyone looked amazing. I love high school. The theme was masquerade, and I prepared a mask. Damn, I looked good. My ensemble consisted of a mix between fairy whimsical and vintage renaissance. Eriol was a show stopper in himself. I saw other girls checking him out. It made me smile to know that I had the guy that girls drooled over.

Alas, the time came for us to depart from the ball. We reentered our luxury vehicle and went back to the school. After prom. I thought it was a lot of fun. There are so many games to play, and things to do, but my friends were getting tired. They left earlier, which was ok with me. I got to go to his house afterward.

We started out by kissing, and then our clothes started to strip off. We were naked. He asked me if I was ready, and I stopped kissing him. I had to think about it. Was I ready?

He has trusted me, he has believed in me. He loves me. The least I could do to thank him was to sleep with him, right? Then why did I start to cry? What was wrong with me?

Tomoyo gasped and stopped writing. I need to stop, she thought. This can't possibly be good for my health. I will just wait for Keichi to get back. I need his support. She involuntarily shook her head, you need Eriol's support, the voice in her head said. She knew it, but she did not want to admit it.

"Bunny, let's go to sleep for the night. It's late. I'll finish later."

Tomoyo slept later than normal. Keichi was in the room now, staring in a shocked awe. He was amazed at the amount of stuff she wrote, but horrified that she defiled the walls. He shook his head, What am I going to do with you, he thought.


End file.
